Funny Quotes & Sayings

These short funny quotes will make you laugh. We’ve collected short funny quotes which are easy to remember.

The best quote of advertisement written in front of a beauty parlor: Don’t whistle at the girl going out from here, she might be your Grand Mother. 😀

The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30 percent of their ice cream.

A man saw a sign board, in the middle of the river. He tried to read it, but he couldn’t read it. So, he swam to the board & read, “Crocodiles inside, don’t swim”.

Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth.

A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide. The librarian takes one look at him and says, who’s gonna bring it back?.

My brain has too many tabs open.

A short walk is so difficult when no one walks with you. But a long Journey is just like a few steps when, a street dog is running behind you.

When nothing is going right, go left.

When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye.

Never trust people who smile constantly. They’re either selling something or not very bright.

A psychological survey report: When two couples come face to face. The wives look at each other’s dresses, & The husbands look at each other’s wives!!

Some people are like clouds. When they disappear, it’s a beautiful day.

If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.

If you have something to say to someone! Just go tell the person by yourself before they hear the remixed version from someone else. 🙂

A best friend is like a four leaf clover, hard to find, lucky to have.

A cute promise to My Friends: “We will remain Friends till Tom catches Jerry and has it for Dinner.

Please cancel my subscriptions to your issues.

I go to school, but I never learn what I want to know. 😀 Bill Watterson

For every Idiot, there is an equal & opposite Idiot. They are called Husband & Wife. :-p

Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.

Funny Fact of GOOGLE: 50% of the people use it well as a search engine, the other 50% of the people use it to check if their internet is connected or not.

My career plans were much more exciting when I was 5.

I said to money: You are just a piece of paper. Money smiled & replied: Off Course, I m a piece of paper, but I have not seen a dustbin yet in my Life.

I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.

Don’t be so humble – you are not that great.

Sensible lines by a smoker to his girl friend: If you don’t want to see me smoking then, you better find other ways to keep my lips busy.

Reality continues to ruin my life. Bill Watterson

What is FEAR?
Fear is that deep feeling when pages of your books still smell new, and the exam is just one day away!

I am not lazy. I am on energy saving mode.

Love is blind; friendship tries not to notice. Otto von Bismarck

Best diplomatic lines for the person you hate the most.

Its not that I hate you, But it’s like if you were on fire & I had water, I would prefer drinking it.

Everything is changing. People are taking the comedians seriously and the politicians as a joke.

This suspense is terrible. I hope it will last.

Men are very Kind & Women are not!

Proof: Most women don’t like to help unknown men, but all men are ready to help unknown females.

You’re only as good as your last haircut. Fran Lebowitz

No one is as ugly as their identity card picture, nor as good looking as their Facebook profile picture.

What was your key motivation for this piece? The due date.

Parents always teach their kids not to talk to strangers. But, the funny thing is that they strictly support arrange marriage!

If I won the award for laziness, I would send somebody to pick it up for me.

Friends buy you food. Best friends eat your food.

Somewhere someone is surely made for you & God has decided a perfect Time, to make you meet that person. Till then, Enjoy your settings.

Never miss a good chance to shut up. Will Rogers

Smiling is the best medicine. But, if you’re smiling without any reason, you need medicine.

Don’t judge me. I was born to be awesome, not perfect.

Me and my bed are perfect for each other, but my alarm clock keeps trying to break us up.

When words are not enough to express your feelings, don’t think that you are in Love. It means that you need to improve your vocabulary.

My bed is a magical place where I suddenly remember everything I forgot to do.

I just finally discovered what’s wrong with my brain: on the left side there is nothing right and on the right side, there is nothing left.

The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one. Oscar Wilde

My nickname is ‘Mom’, but my full name is ‘Mom Mom Mom Mom Mom Mom’.

At night, I can’t fall asleep. In the morning, I can’t get up.

I’m sorry. I don’t take orders. I barely take suggestions.

My life feels like a test I didn’t study for.

Some people are like clouds. When they go away, it’s a brighter day.

The closest a person ever comes to perfection is when he fills out a job application form.Stanley Randall

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. Rodney Dangerfield

Don’t yell at your kids! Lean in real close and whisper, it’s much scarier.

Seeing a spider in my room isn’t scary. It’s scary when it disappears.

Marriage…it’s not a word, it’s a sentence. Rodney Dangerfield

A cop pulled me over and told me “Papers”, so I said “Scissors, I win!” and drove off.

A woman’s mind is cleaner that a man’s; She changes it more often.

That moment when you spell a word so wrong, even auto-correct is like “I’ve got nothing man.

Coffee, chocolate, men. The richer the better!

Sometimes I wish I was an octopus, so I could slap eight people at once.

The advice I would give to someone is to not take anyone’s advice.Eddie Murphy

My wallet is like an onion, opening it makes me cry.

Accept who you are, unless you’re a serial killer.

Lazy people fact #2347827309018287. You were too lazy to read that number.

Weather forecast for tonight: dark. George Carlin

As your best friend I’ll always pick you up when you fall, after I finish laughing.

Behing every great man is a woman rolling her eyes. Jim Carrey

The more you know, the sadder you get. Stephen Colbert

Don’t be afraid to be a fool. Remember, you cannot be both young and wise.Stephen Colbert

I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.

Talking about music is like dancing about architecture. Steve Martin

First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me. Steve Martin